He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
