I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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