it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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