New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We are two peas in an std pod
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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