she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
