Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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