i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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