Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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