She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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