Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
