you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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