A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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