I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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