I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
