take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
