The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
