I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
