I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
