I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
