i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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