Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
