Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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