went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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