If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
