I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
