dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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