he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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