we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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