I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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