Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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