trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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