I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Someone signed my nipple.
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