I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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