I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
