We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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