So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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