I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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