you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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