its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
