My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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