How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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