I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
