He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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