I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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