Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
