I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
