ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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