first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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