How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
