On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
