the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
