How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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