hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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