I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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