a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
