hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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