so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
